Two wings
Oct 07, 2024Today’s Fairy Dusted Lesson:
I was having a conversation about surviving versus thriving and I was talking about some of the things I wanted to accomplish before the end of the year. My friend commented that it was like you’ve been flying with one wing all along and now it’s time to fly with two.
I got goose bumps and had that astonished and in awe feeling and I knew it was true because it fully resonated. I’m a bitch with two wings. The second thought I had was I really want to cut off that second wing. Stat. Get it off. Get rid of it.
See, the second wing will cause a lot of problems. The second wing is just like a normal wing and the one I’ve been surviving and mostly thriving with just got a gold medal in the Olympics for psychological weightlifting. It’s swole (Not me Googling, “what’s slang for muscular?”). It’s way out of balance and when I try to fly, I’ll faceplant.
I was repulsed at the thought of having two wings intact, which shocked me, because isn’t that always what I wanted? To be not so weighed down by the trauma and able to flit, flutter, and fly whenever and wherever I want.
One of the reasons CPTSD kids choose to stay in pain or to stay in survival mode is because having two wings is a betrayal to the family system. That’s not true for me anymore. I’m good with betraying the toxic family system. I’ve lost some relationships, but what I’ve gained has far surpassed any sacrifice.
So why do I want to cut off that second wing, it doesn’t make sense. Two reasons come up. One is my parts. They learned to feel really safe with my one very strong wing. My internal family system doesn’t feel betrayed necessarily but is highly skeptical of this second wing. My parts are like I thought we said no new friends. But this new wing seems really nice and has given us zero red flags, so I guess we can learn to trust it.
And the other reason is because I think the other wing is pissed. Like bitch I’ve been doing this all on my own this whole time and here you come just looking so fresh and new. I’ve been rode hard and put away wet and you come out here like you’ve just come back from the Eras tour.
There’s a coaching question, “What would this look like if it were easy?” That’s what the second wing would give me. It would just make everything easier. What if life were simple and easy? I’m just used to making it hard and complicated for myself because that’s all I knew. I don’t have to do that anymore. And neither do you.
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