Cassandra's Revenge
Nov 06, 2024Today’s Fairy Dusted Lesson:
To understand Cassandra’s Revenge, you must understand the Cassandra Complex. Apollo, the god of prophecy fell in love with Cassandra and gave her the gift of prophecy. When she rejected him and his desires, he couldn’t take away his gift, but he cursed her to punish her. She would still see the future and horrific things happening, but now no one would believe her. I learned about the Cassandra complex in a therapist’s office because the Cassandra complex IS the codependent’s complex.
As a codependent, we trained ourselves or were given the role as the one who helps or avoid disasters or we got punished or blamed when others in the family made mistakes, so we got really good at predicting them. We can feel them coming, so we try to warn.
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Don’t forget your sweater!
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Don’t drink and drive!
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Maybe don’t go to that frat party.
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Perhaps you need a therapist
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That sounds like a red flag, maybe don’t date him?
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That won’t work.
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You tried that before, and it didn’t work
It’s strange to be in recovery and have the Cassandra Complex because you don’t really get mad at the other person anymore for not listening or not “believing your prophecy.” And in recovery you’re not giving yourself the dopamine hit of warning them. So, one has to sit with feelings of impending doom.
Recovery is supposed to make me free not live in dread, so how can I be free? I did what I always do, I turned to my tools. And the Ladder of Trust showed me the way. Cassandra is on a higher rung on the Ladder of Trust than the other person. The problem is not that I can predict the future, the problem is that I hold a belief that I must convince another adult of something that they don’t believe – that’s MY pain! That’s Cassandra’s pain. To heal the Cassandra Complex with the Ladder of Trust is to get on the same rung as the other person.
Person: I’m about to make a choice.
Cassandra: That’s a bad choice that won’t go well. (oh my God it’s going to go terribly and I will have to pick up the pieces and oh my God what if this consequence happens or that consequence oh god oh god etc. etc.)
OR
Person: I’m about to make a choice.
Cassandra’s Revenge: I love and honor you, your choices and your life path. I want to apologize for trying to make you see the future the way I see it and it’s kinda cringe that I was trying to make you get on a higher rung. I am human and I actually cannot predict the future, but I do have a trauma response that makes me believe that my dreadful vision for the future is the only right one. That’s not helpful – that’s controlling. I have done you a disservice. Now we both get to be free.
Cassandra gets to have her own life and trust if lightning strikes, then it strikes. If shit goes down, it goes down. And the choices we both make in any aftermath will be more about love, boundaries and connection instead of control and rescuing.
Now when I catch myself thinking – “oh, this isn’t going to go well for this person,” I switch to – uh oh – Cassandra is calling and she says, “Hey Elizabeth, you’re right, and the person this isn’t going to go well for is YOU BITCH because you have gone unconscious again not allowing others to be who they are and choose their own destiny.”
I feel like every time a codependent gets on the same rung as another adult, Cassandra herself celebrates because every time one of us does that, we make Apollo’s curse nonexistent. He tried.
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