Survivor of Psychological Poison
Nov 19, 2024Today’s Fairy Dusted Lesson:
Here are some things I cannot stop thinking about:
1. This Marion Woodman quote:
“It is easier to be better than you are than to be who you are.”
It really cements the fact for me that the entire goal of this whole healing and striving enterprise of mine was to become myself. Today I have been repeatedly asking myself: What would you do right now if the goal wasn’t to be a better version of yourself? How would you answer that question?
It also heals a core CPTSD wound – “I am not enough.” By definition, being yourself is enough and healing, therefore for me was just about making the pain stop and not being better and “more healed.”
This quote zapped another one of my previous healing goals: to be a shining example of hope and healing on my genogram (family tree). Everybody, you’re on your own, you’re perfect as you are, and it is not my job to be the tree or a star of personal growth – I’m just a branch like the rest of y’all. My legacy is that I fought everyday to become more myself and if that’s helpful, great, but not the point.
2. If there is something in my life that I say that I want to do/a goal and I am not working toward it, that doesn’t mean that I’m lazy, a procrastinator, and/or unsuccessful. It means that a part of me does not consent.
I get a lot of positive feedback from my writing. I’m also really good at putting my thoughts and voice on the page. So why is it that I dread it every single time? Why is it always a pulling teeth situation? One could say, “Hey, have you read the War of Art?” Obviously – actually many times. Did I almost buy a daily reader from the author of that book yesterday? Of course. The basic premise of that book is that there is no art without Resistance and one must figure out how to overcome it.
Welp, I’m trying an experiment where I say, fuck that. A part of me doesn’t want to be writing right now (although because I’m honoring the part of me that didn’t want to write in this essay, she’s actually loving it and considering me a badass on her behalf). And I’m a bitch that does parts work and I believe myself and I believe my parts. Apparently, a part of me DOES NOT CONSENT to writing a newsletter on a timetable. In the past, this was the enemy part to be defeated (you know, like in a War of Art). I am an artist, creative and writer. I refuse to subscribe to that anymore.
I have no idea what’s to come, but I am trusting it with all of me because I cannot tell you how liberated and free I feel right now. The next time you read a word of mine, it will be because all of my parts gave enthusiastic consent and I ran to the keyboard to get the words down so I could share them with you.
3. No Contact
I was taught in recovery that no contact was bad. That I should be healed enough to stay. For one relationship in particular, I felt it was my duty to stay and that I could handle it (because of all of my healing, you know). After having almost a year of no contact with that family member, I see that I was indoctrinated to stay and think that.
I was also taught in recovery that if I go no contact with “a polar bear” then, I would, for the rest of my life be internally haunted and taunted by the polar bear.
WRONG
My experience has been incredibly freeing. It’s been the best thing that’s ever happened in my recovery as evidenced by the light speed of insights about my familial indoctrination and my tolerance for abuse from people I was told since childhood that they couldn’t help it or that’s just how they are.
For me, no contact feels like what one must feel like when they have survived being poisoned and got away from the poisoner. I never knew one could feel this good or free psychologically.
Einstein said, “We cannot solve problems at the same level of thinking that we were at when we created those problems.” I found out that I cannot escape the family cult’s indoctrination while still being abused in the family cult.
No contact is not for everyone, but it is for me.
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