Fawns are Red Shirts

The Irreverent Imposter Syndrome Guide deconstructs Imposter Syndrome so you can be yourself and not an imposter anymore.  One side effect of less imposter syndrome is MORE JOYYYYYYYY!!!!!  

Omg “not accepting praise is being cold and not allowing myself to connect to people” !!!!!!!! ELIZABETH - this is huge for me right now. Omg. I’m in a phase of my life where universe is asking me everyday “how much joy can you take?!?” And I know I’m supposed to be fucking accepting ALL THE accolades and walking through the world like “yes! More compliments please!” “You wanna give me happiness? I'LL TAKE IT” and my inner saboteur is trying its DAMNEST to stop me and tell me something is wrong or I’m being unhinged or unrealistic but FUCK THAT SHIT!!! Omg I’m so glad I’m in this imposter syndrome course!!!! Thank you!!!!!

One of the ways some of us were indoctrinated to be people pleasers and compliant to emotional blackmail is that we were taught that we were special.  We weren’t like our siblings; we were the favorite or only we understood what was needed.  We were the good ones, the old souls, or mommy/daddy’s best friend.  And we loved it.  It became a huge part of our identity and life purpose.

I noticed as a therapist that when clients would try to leave a narcissist, this would be the go-to tactic to get the fawn to change her mind.  I’ve seen many almost divorces.  I was engaged when I was 21 and I thought that this would be the only man who would ever like me.  During my engagement, I got a job as a flight attendant and that required me to go to a 6-week training in Miami.  It was the first time I was introduced to friendly and drama free relationships unlike the ones I grew up with nor the one I was going to marry.  I also noticed that a wide variety of people liked me.  I started to have second thoughts about getting married and when I got home, I told my fiancé.

He begged me not to change my mind.   He cried and was on his knees telling me things like I was the only one who truly understood him, he would be lost without me, that there is no one else like me, that he needed me and only me because I was so special.  

It worked.  I paid for that compliance with 9 years of insanity, crazymaking, cruelty and chaos.  

He may have believed all that stuff, or it could have been strictly manipulative, but the only thing that mattered is that I believe it because I was raised to not only believe, but to succumb to it if someone else wanted those things from me.  I thought it made me feel fulfilled and that I was answering my calling.  I thought I was the star of the show – I thought I was Captain Kirk, but the horrifying truth is that I was just a red shirt.

Back in the day, our favorite shows didn’t kill off the main characters.  On Star Trek, there were regular crew members who wore different colored shirts, but the extras would always wear red shirts and they usually got killed.  Red shirts are completely replaceable and disposable.  

Now I know that manipulative people carry out their dynamics with us convincing us that we’re the main character, but the truth is, if we stepped out of the relationship, they could and would replace us with someone who would fall for it just like we did.  They don’t love us, they love the games, the manipulation, the confusion, they’re in love with satisfying their dynamics.  We’re not special.  We’re red shirts.  They, along with their toxic dynamics, are the stars of the show. 

Only if we’re truly loved and appreciated by someone without games, confusion or cruelty can we be a main character in our own life and in our relationships. 

With so much love and fairy dust,

Elizabeth

Disclaimer:  Although I am a Licensed Professional Counselor, I offer these Advanced Lessons in Personal Growth as a trauma survivor who is doing the work to heal and sharing the magic I learn along the way.  I share my own experience, strength, and hope.  This is not intended to be psychotherapy.  Some of the lessons and assignments could be triggering, so I recommend if you do find them triggering to stop reading/not try them and to immediately seek the support and expertise of a professional psychotherapist.