Fawning Always Leads to Victimhood
Jan 12, 2022I remember the therapy session in which I was flummoxed at how could me going above and beyond to help a close friend recover from surgery go so terribly, terribly wrong. I cleared my schedule (my joke was “I’ll check with my boss to see if I can take a week off” - hahahaha I work for myself) and got myself ready to travel to stay with my friend in the hospital and then care for her when she got home. I dropped everything without a second thought (#dysfuntional).
It ended in disaster with her giving me tons of mixed messages (could you make sure everyone washes their hands before they touch me and then when I told her everyone is religiously doing that, she told me I was silly to be watching for that). She insisted that I sleep in the hospital bed next to her, which I adamantly refused, so we got in a fight about it, then she still asked the nurse if I could, and she made it seem like it was my request when the nurse said no. I was horrified that she was condescending to the nursing staff and assistants just trying to do their job, which made me thoroughly uncomfortable and of course, I ended up with the migraine of the century within the first day and it didn’t leave me until days after I got home.
My therapist, who I’m sure had been hammering this point home to me for years simply said, “Saving the day calls the Dementors.” OMFG. Since saving the day was my religion and raison d'etre, my jaw was on the floor. It was the paradox of me knowing to my depth that it was true because it resonated, but also how could that be?? I was being helpful and nice! Wasn’t that what I was supposed to do??
Cut to me learning about Karpman’s Drama Triangle. You know the one - (Google Image search that shit if not) the upside down triangle with the top points across from each other being “Rescuer” and “Persecutor” and on the bottom point the poor ole “Victim.” I now understand that if you are on this triangle in any position, it is only a matter of time before you are in another position on the triangle. Basically, a toxic relationship is just two people taking turns surfing to and from the various points of the drama triangle.
In some cases, the rescuer gets treated like human garbage thereby they are no longer the rescuer, but now the victim of various fuckery by the one that “needed help.” In other cases, the rescuer becomes furious at how they are being treated and gets mad at the one that “needed help” for not giving the rewards they feel are due to the rescuer aka they are now persecuting the one that “needed help” (this happens via an actual fight or passive aggression). But just wait fawn…once you turn into the persecutor by having the audacity of being upset by being mistreated, now it’s their turn to backlash and turn YOU into the victim by shaming you for being mad at someone so helpless and nice and accommodating and loving. How dare you.
So, yes, when you decide to “save the day,” make sure you’re ready with your Patronus because when you save the day, you call the Dementors.
Magical Lesson:
Think back to a time when you saved the day when it went horribly wrong with you ending up in trouble and persecuted. When this happens, we usually blame them, but now I want you to back up and see if your saving the day behavior was a set up for the drama that unfolded. For me, remembering the negative consequences (without beating myself up) is a way I prepare myself for the next time so I can practice being helpful without compulsively saving the day.
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