Enabling Makes Something Toxic Possible
Jan 19, 2022Last lesson I told you about how when a fawn saves the day, she calls the dementors meaning that when you rescue or enable someone, it comes with the price of you getting in trouble from the person you’re helping and/or it will end up being a complete disaster. The story was a friend asked me to help her and stay overnight in the hospital during a surgery she was having, so I dropped everything and did it. I even felt so honored and privileged that she asked me. It was like winning a prize.
It ended up being a complete shitshow (check the previous newsletter for the deets), but bitch, lessons were learned that I keep with me until this day. Here is the lesson on enabling that made my jaw drop while I was fawning at the hospital.
When I was feeling better, she started to get visitors. Her best friend from college came, her SISTER came, and other FAMILY members came. They stayed for a short period of time and GTFO’d. The friends and family were very nice to me and told me how nice and kind I was. They told my friend she was so lucky to have me, and my friend would gushingly agree. In other words, I got points – I was rewarded for my sacrifice. Then another friend of hers came in and gave me praise, but the tone and her face belied her words of adoration. The look I got was giving very “you’re a creep” and “you’re pathetic.”
She was fucking right. That mean girl taught me what Melody Beattie could not. She showed me what enabling actually was in Real Time. An enabler “makes something possible.” As I watched the stream of people galivant in and out – I realized that I ENABLED THEM/MADE IT POSSIBLE NOT TO BE THE SERVANT THAT I WAS BEING. I enabled her family and friends to not have to deal with her bullshit or give up their lives. They were free while I was sitting there doing time (that I happily agreed to). All my friend in the hospital and the family had to do was throw me a bone of pathetic praise.
Magical Assignment:
What are you “making possible” by fawning or acting out in your codependency? Find some bit of fawning you’re doing right now – who are you enabling? Who is off the hook because you’re saving the day?
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